“… this will be the loudest silence.”
Months. 7 of them to be exact. That was the last time I wrote here. I promise to never do that again.
These last few months have changed everything. That’s one of my favorite things to say, and is just about the one thing I’m constantly saying. But this time, it’s true (again.)
I’ve been stuck in this season of life where I continue to learn more truths about myself, Jesus, my relationships with the people around me, and who I am, and how people feel about me. And none of them have been coming without a price. Some heavier then others. I am coming out of this season of “realizing” with more scars, some physical, some emotional, some spiritual, then I ever thought to be able to recover from. But guess what? I’m still standing.
Life’s been taking me away on adventure after adventure, day after day. And in that, I’m finding myself very alone. Please, this is not some woe is me garbage about how I have nobody around me, or no one cares, cause that’s bullshit. But one of the lessons I’m learning right now is that; being alone, doesn’t have to be so damn lonely.
A few weeks ago I sat in a coffee shop by myself as I typically do, and I ordered a pot of tea. The man working behind the counter asked me if I wanted one cup, or two. I almost felt ashamed to say; “Just one please.” Last night I ran into a forever non-extinguishable flame of an old friend. After a sad, dry run in with another person, I started yelling at her to go home, told her I didn’t need anyone, and that I could do it alone.
I’ve used this quote before, but I’ll use it again. Octavio Paz wrote;
“Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition; Man is the only being who knows he is alone.”
I push people away. I have at my disposal a list full of people who would do anything for me. Friends, family, loved ones, shit - people who don’t even really know me. They would all sacrifice days, weeks, time and energy, money and love. They would all do that for me. But nope. Stubborn Farris won’t let them. We shouted at eachother in the pouring rain, and I walk away. “You’re going to die miserable and alone if you keep pushing everyone away!” That was the last thing I heard out of her mouth before I turned around and ran back to her. I don’t want to be miserable, but alone? I can be down.
She’s right. Yup, I said it. It’s not something I say often, either in the admittance of my folly, or accepting that someone else knows more then I do. But she is. J, I speak directly to you now hoping you will see this, but you will never know what those words did to me. Thank you
I push people away, its what I do. It’s how I keep myself safe. I mean, we all do it, don’t we? We all live behind this giant ass brick wall, that we build one insecurity at a time. Because she’s gonna leave you, right? Or he won’t ever love you enough, will he? I mean, they’re all just going to leave anyway, huh? So, what’s the point?
Yeah, welcome to my life.
I hurt myself. There you go. There is my confession. I have the addictions of a typical high school aged girl going through the developments of life. Self mutilation runs wild in my life all through different avenues. I think in some place in my brain it’s a good idea to hurt myself. I don’t now. Or at least I’m trying not to.
Months ago I wrote about the idea of “small victories” and am coming to realize that not hurting myself most days are those small victories. This is not a cry for help, or me saying I’m trying to do anything dangerous. I’m graduation from this season of life where I feel like I deserve to hurt. But a confession is needed. Not for the feeling of a knife on my skin, or a burn on my arm or leg, but because in all different ways I hurt myself, the one I’m now faced with overcoming is; ISOLATION. And she’s a tough bitch, she is.
If I keep running from everyone trying to show me love, J will be right. I will die a bitter, resentful person, and I will be alone. So what do I do? Well, since you build a wall brick, by brick, it only seems fitting to tear it down the same. Although each brick may result in a wound of some kind (emotionally speaking of course), it’s time I start.
Things will never be the same with most of you. Either you will run from me eventually, I will run or hide from you, or I’ll ruin this (whatever it is) some way. I’m sorry for that. But I promise, honestly, to do whatever I must now to avoid doing that. It will happen, but just hold on for as long as possible.
I had a friend speak some truth into my life the other day.
It started with a word. actually, a letter.
“I…”
what followed, I didn’t believe, and still don’t. But I’m trying.
“… love you”
So, to all of you that I’ve wronged at hurt, I’m sorry. I am. And now I’m giving you all the choice. If you want, life can be the loudest silence ever heard, our friendship can fizzle out like a candle in a rainstorm. We can grow together for years, if only to be ripped apart by a foolish mistake. You have no idea how it starts, how it may come about, or actually how real those words are to me right now. Because yes, this will be the loudest silence ever heard.
Although, there is another side to the coin. If you want to grow, if you want to yield good fruit of friendship, and love, I warn you, my soil is sapped of all its nutrients, I don’t get enough sun to promote good growth, and most of the time my roots won’t go deep enough to be strong. But if they do, and if I can, water me, and I will grow. Because no longer must I be a corn stalk in a tomato field.
